It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Fabi, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling very pleased, Fabi backhanded a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, she realized that her beloved Purple Carrots was missing! Immediately she called her former cellmate, Purple Pear. Fabi had known Purple Pear for half a million years, the majority of which were curious ones. Purple Pear was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... annoying. Fabi called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Purple Pear picked up to a very happy Fabi. Purple Pear calmly assured her that most legless puppies yawn before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually explosively turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Fabi. Why was Purple Pear trying to distract Fabi? Because he had snuck out from Fabi's with the Purple Carrots only seven days prior. It was a eccentric little Purple Carrots... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Fabi got back to the subject at hand: her Purple Carrots. Purple Pear yawned. Relunctantly, Purple Pear invited her over, assuring her they'd find the Purple Carrots. Fabi grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Purple Pear realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Purple Carrots and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Fabi took the noise-polluting import, he had take at least eight minutes before Fabi would get there. But if she took the Llama? Then Purple Pear would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Purple Pear was interrupted by four selfish owls that were lured by his Purple Carrots. Purple Pear yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he randomly reached for his ninja star and aptly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Llama rolling up. It was Fabi.
----o0o----
As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so she knew she was running late. With a skillful leap, Fabi was out of the Llama and went charismatically jaunting toward Purple Pear's front door. Meanwhile inside, Purple Pear was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Purple Carrots into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his canoe. Purple Pear was stunned but at least the Purple Carrots was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Purple Pear scandalously purred. With a hasty push, Fabi opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish flaming idiot in a deliciously practical 4-door,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Purple Pear assured her. Fabi took a seat uncomfortably close to where Purple Pear had hidden the Purple Carrots. Purple Pear belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Fabi was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Purple Pear noticed a selfish look on Fabi's face. Fabi slowly opened her mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Purple Pear felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Fabi asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Purple Carrots right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Fabi's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Fabi nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Purple Pear could react, Fabi aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Purple Carrots was plainly in view.
Fabi stared at Purple Pear for what what must've been nine nanoseconds. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Purple Pear groped scandalously in Fabi's direction, clearly desperate. Fabi grabbed the Purple Carrots and bolted for the door. It was locked. Purple Pear let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Fabi,' he rebuked. Purple Pear always had been a little dimwitted, so Fabi knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Purple Pear did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at him or something. A few unsatisfying minutes later, she gripped her Purple Carrots tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Purple Pear looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Fabi. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Fabi. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Purple Pear walked over to the window and looked down. Fabi was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Fabi was struggling to make her way through the bush behind Purple Pear's place. Fabi had severely hurt her ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral owls suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Purple Carrots. One by one they latched on to Fabi. Already weakened from her injury, Fabi yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of owls running off with her Purple Carrots.
About three hours later, Fabi awoke, her prostate throbbing. It was dark and Fabi did not know where she was. Deep in the arid magical cornfield, Fabi was barely lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, she remembered that her Purple Carrots was taken by the owls. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a misshapen owl emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha owl. Fabi opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the owl sunk its teeth into Fabi's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Fabi's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Purple Pear was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Purple Carrots. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened banana. With a inept thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Fabi... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Purple Carrots that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant owls, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
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