It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Parrot-man, woke up in a bush. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling abnormally pleased, Parrot-man hit a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved Bar was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Turtle-chic. Parrot-man had known Turtle-chic for 550,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Turtle-chic was unique. She was easygoing though sometimes a little... annoying. Parrot-man called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Turtle-chic picked up to a very sad Parrot-man. Turtle-chic calmly assured him that most venomous koalas shudder before mating, yet legless puppies usually sassily shudder *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Parrot-man. Why was Turtle-chic trying to distract Parrot-man? Because she had snuck out from Parrot-man's with the Bar only ten days prior. It was a enchanting little Bar... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Parrot-man got back to the subject at hand: his Bar. Turtle-chic yawned. Relunctantly, Turtle-chic invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Bar. Parrot-man grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Turtle-chic realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Bar and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Parrot-man took the Jap Trap, she had take at least five minutes before Parrot-man would get there. But if he took the Bently? Then Turtle-chic would be very screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Turtle-chic was interrupted by three selfish Penguins that were lured by her Bar. Turtle-chic sighed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling pleased, she fearlessly reached for her wolverine and recklessly slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Bently rolling up. It was Parrot-man.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Parrot-man was out of the Bently and went exotically jaunting toward Turtle-chic's front door. Meanwhile inside, Turtle-chic was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Bar into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind her time machine. Turtle-chic was displeased but at least the Bar was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Turtle-chic sassily purred. With a apt push, Parrot-man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive rationality-deprived retard in a deliciously practical 4-door,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Turtle-chic assured him. Parrot-man took a seat just under where Turtle-chic had hidden the Bar. Turtle-chic yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Parrot-man was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, Turtle-chic noticed a annoying look on Parrot-man's face. Parrot-man slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Turtle-chic felt a stabbing pain in her scalp when Parrot-man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Bar right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Parrot-man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Parrot-man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Turtle-chic could react, Parrot-man aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Bar was plainly in view.
Parrot-man stared at Turtle-chic for what what must've been three hours. Before anyone could take off their pants, Turtle-chic groped surreptitiously in Parrot-man's direction, clearly desperate. Parrot-man grabbed the Bar and bolted for the door. It was locked. Turtle-chic let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Parrot-man,' she rebuked. Turtle-chic always had been a little insensitive, so Parrot-man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Turtle-chic did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at her or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his Bar tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Turtle-chic looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Parrot-man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Parrot-man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Turtle-chic walked over to the window and looked down. Parrot-man was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Parrot-man was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Turtle-chic's place. Parrot-man had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Penguins suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Bar. One by one they latched on to Parrot-man. Already weakened from his injury, Parrot-man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Penguins running off with his Bar.
About four hours later, Parrot-man awoke, his kidney throbbing. It was dark and Parrot-man did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious disease-infested jungle, Parrot-man was abundantly lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he remembered that his Bar was taken by the Penguins. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated Penguin emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha Penguin. Parrot-man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Penguin sunk its teeth into Parrot-man's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Parrot-man's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Turtle-chic was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Bar. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a apt thrust, she buried it deeply into her love handle. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Parrot-man... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Bar that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Penguins, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
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